IX : Stay

28 July 2010, 9.00 p.m.

When Andy started singing, his angelic voice filled every crevice of the bar and I felt the familiarities of the songs. These songs were his favourites. The songs that he used to replay so much until I hated them but they were our songs. There Andrew was, singing his heart out to the songs I knew all too well.

It never crossed my mind that Andrew wrote those songs. I stood in the audience, amid souls that were touched by his beautiful lyrics, feeling pinpricks of apprehension and the familiar lump in my throat. I knew that the tears would threaten to spill. I remembered the times I played them over and over, even after he was gone, hoping that he would return. Memories of him flooded through my head and without knowing what to do, I bolted.

Moments later, I heard footsteps pounding after me. Oh, no. Andy, please don’t make this difficult.

"Ellie, stop! Please!" he said, breathless from the run.

"Stay away! Just leave me alone, Andrew. Please. If you love me, you would just stay where you are."

"I thought we're fine, El. You know you're happy, we both know. What’s all this?” "This is all too fast, too soon and it will all crash and burn before it all starts, obliterating everything, including us. Especially us. I know it would, you will walk away from me just like he did." I was at a point of no return and I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. They left streaks of mascara down my face. No one said love was pretty, after all.

"You lost me."

"All those songs, introducing me to people and all that, why? Too soon, don’t you think?"

"Because I'm sure about you, about us and a future with you in it."

"It's all easy to say, Andrew. He said the very same words and he left, leaving me to deal with the pain.”

I told him why I went to London, trying to fix my broken heart and live my life. How the songs he sang tonight were Nic's favourites. I hated myself for rushing into things so quickly, thinking I was ready to learn to love after Nicholas. Love is never easy. It was not the falling in love part that I'm afraid of, I just didn’t want to lose myself. I would rather leave him with a broken heart than to hold on to my empty heart.

“I’m sorry, Andy. I really am.”

With a resigned nod, he walked off, leaving me alone, in the city that promises romance.


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